Cancer isn’t something you get to be done with. People are always asking, “are you better yet?”. The answer, regardless of where you are with this disease, the answer is no. I am never going to be “better”. Whatever happens this will always be something following me around, whether it’s hoping for a clear CT scan, or heading into more rounds of treatment.
And that’s where I am now, heading into more rounds of treatment. While I never considered it done with, and didn’t think this impossible, I never thought it would hit me again so soon. But my CT scans have come back with bad news, and the biopsy has confirmed it.
So great, here we go, again.
Was round one not enough for you?
Please say goodbye again to your home, your job and your life. Looking forward to a summer that you can enjoy and kick back with your friends in the sun and enjoy a drink on the patio? Well, not this summer either. In two weeks, I’ll be in chemo.
One of the scariest parts about coming out of chemo last November and starting to put together my life was taking a job that I loved. Finally something that I was interested in doing, and a place I loved being. If you know me well, I define myself heavily by my work and it becomes so incredibly important to me. I remember starting work and couldn’t believe how happy it made me to just get up every morning like a regular person, get to enjoy a cup of coffee (without wanting to throw up), and to go to work. I craved normal, and my job brought me that and a whole new crazy family who I love so much. About two weeks into work, I realized what this job was going to mean to me, because it was so much more than just a job already. And as great as that was, I also realized that I actually had something to lose.
This is going to be tough, and I’m not having an easy time of it. Your love and support is appreciated, but I can’t respond and reach out to every message, email or text. But knowing your thoughts are with me is helpful.
The two things I have really learned this past year are that if you think you have hit rock bottom, oh believe me, it can always get worse. Never assume that this is as bad as it gets. That said, you don’t get to choose most of what happens to you in life. Most things just come at you, and all you really have is how you take it. I’m trying to hang onto that.